Many LGBTQ+ clients I’ve had the privilege of working with have shared their experiences of coming out and living as their authentic selves, yet they continue to feel as if they don’t belong to the very community they’re supposed to belong to. Coming out doesn’t automatically create belonging.
Trauma, comparison, body image, sense of self, dating, sex, status, and rejection can distort how we show up in any group. Even those in which we belong. There is actually research supporting and backing up this experience. Psychologists have studied what is sometimes called intraminority stress in minority communities. For gay and bisexual men, researchers have identified experiences involving status, competition, physical appearance, sex, and exclusion that can complicate the expectation that finding a community will automatically create a sense of belonging.
We often talk about coming out as though it’s the end of the story. As if once you do it, everything will naturally fall into place. In reality, it’s more like taking off a cast. While your bones and ligaments may be free to move, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll know how. Sometimes, it’s through a process of strengthening and learning to trust yourself again that we begin to build new neural pathways for movement.
Therapy is a space to understand these feelings and explore where our beliefs about ourselves originate. It makes sense to feel lost, confused, or as though you don’t belong when something as sacred as your true nature had to be concealed from the people around you.
